I know, I know, I’ve become inconsistent, like your ex was. Just kidding!!! Not sure I was though. Oh dear me, I must have forgotten that one of my goals this year was to be nicer. I’m clearly slacking on that one.
It has come to my attention that many people come to me to offload and rant about their relationship issues. One of my principles is to keep the issues to myself (and use them as constant reminders as to why I need to stay single). You know what they say, single people give the best advice.
From my numerous years of practice as an unpaid therapist, there are a few tips I’ve learned on the job. My side hustle as a ‘relationship counsellor’ or in the words of my clients (mostly women, by the way) , ‘Doctor Love’.
I hang up my boots on the ‘part time job’ (that didn’t earn me a single dime) a year ago after I got attacked. Well, that’s another tale for another day (or somewhere later in this article).
Here are some of my top 5 love tips. Straight from the oven that is an unpaid practice in listening to and trying to resolve relationship drama.
1. Watu waliojifunika na blanketi moja, usijihusishe na Mambo yao…
There, I said it. Do not intervene in relationship matters, unless maybe, it’s your relationship. I even wrote it in Swahili for emphasis, also, it sounds better that way.
You remember the attack I mentioned earlier, it was by one of my client’s partners. He told me he knew everything I was telling ‘the apple of his eye’, who he used to treat badly, by the way. He dissed me in a subtle way.
That was the day I walked away from my then blossoming career in love tips. I was really good. I loved that women would see their worth after my ‘sessions’.
Need I say that that attack added me an extra hater on my long list of my then haters. That’s one more complaint to the big guy upstairs about me. I’m not trynna get my name scrapped off from the good book, so I had to slow down the love train.
My advice? Act dumb. Use the ‘What do you think is the right thing to do?’ on your clients. They probably have the answer to that. That way, when s*it hits the fan, it’s on them, not you.
You can thank me later. MPESA number is 07… Lmao. I’m kidding. I’ll send you my rate card instead.
2. You deserve love, Nana.
…and let the church say ‘AMEN!!!’. Yes, you. You that had your heart broken a few times in the past. I’m so sorry if anyone made you feel like you’re unworthy of love.
You deserve soft, unproblematic and genuine love. I need to affirm this more. Teach it, preach it and live it.
3. Love isn’t painful.
I know, I said I’ll stay out of ‘watu wawili ambao wamejifunika blanketi moja’s business, but love isn’t supposed to hurt. I’m not saying it’s all blissful like fairytales or telenovelas.
P.S:- The Cuando seas Mia theme song subconsciously played in my head when I said telenovela.
They’ll be tough times, granted, but tough times won’t be ‘KPLC’ texting your partner ‘You up?’ at 2am. Tough times won’t be abuse or constant gaslighting. Okay, I promised myself I won’t be the love doctor anymore. Tempting, but I’ll be strong.
4. Love or lust???
I do not shy away from acknowledging an attractive human being, that’s quite in order. However, lingering on thoughts of myself and the attractive person in compromising positions is lust.
Lust is physical.
You can also spot a real one from interacting with them, one who you don’t want to be in compromising situations with (at least not yet *cough*). One indicator is that you’d like to go deeper (no pun intended) with this person. You’re not only interested in their exterior, but also their interior, what do they like? What do they believe in? Their favourite colour (yes, I had to).
5. Love is stupid.
Before you go about throwing around the three word sentence like confetti, ask yourself, “Do I lust for them or do I love them?”
You’ll do many crazy things for the one your heart beats for (I may look okay, but deep down, I wanted to add ‘like the West African drums).
Nobody tells you in advance that love is stupid. You’ll see the number of things you did and laugh at yourself. However, do not entertain disrespect in the name of love.
It’s not Nairobi, you’re just promiscuous. Oh well, do you booboo. To each, their own.
Love and light.
Doctor Love. ❤️❤️